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Memory. Always surprises me how it works. The same perfume on the skin of the same woman. The smell years later reminding snapshots of the past. Just take a breath. A passing truck on a sunny day. Heavy, filling the lungs. So you cannot wash it off . Sweet and terrifying. The stench of decomposing bodies. I have seen. Probably more than I thought I would see. Probably not enough yet. I close my eyes. I fall asleep. Since childhood my dreams are alike. In color. A mixture of memories interwoven by unreality of situations. Events in which I never have a way out. I must fight. For myself. For my life. Sometimes snakes attacks me, and sometimes I hold a gun in my hand. A pistol. I aim at the attacker. Pulling the trigger. With full force. It wouldn’t budge. I am too weak to move it. The enemy is approaching. He kills. After a while I am back in the same situation. Groundhog Day. Groundhog Dream. I'm taking pthotographs. I'm looking. But what I see is not the same. I feel that it is different. What I lived through changes things.. You can’t undo it. It is not so obvious. Tangled, confused. The pattern of education, home, family...I did not chose the beginning. The crossing of genes and luck and here I am. Born here. And not in the war zone in despair and hopelessness. Coincidence of circumstances. All the choices and consequences. The deliberate ones and accidental. Black dog faithfully follows a leg. Always half a step behind his Lord. Depression. Waiting until I just lay down. It will be with me. Will come. Fawns and steals caresses, and time, and feelings. A price for myself. For self-awareness. For a change. A part of me has died so I could really feel. I feel I am breathing. Finally! I am not drowning in my confusion. Although it's difficult at times. Sometimes. But this is just the beginning. Of the new. Of the old.

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